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capri0mniI've had a breakthrough (aka: I gave myself a break... or two: slight change of form, big change in viewpoint):
THE MONSTER CHALLENGES YOUR CATEGORIES
The day is warm, the playful breeze is light;
The sun (just like a lover at the gate)
Has called the flowers out -- and you, as well --
So even mundane tasks are pleasant things.
And then, you see the shadow in the crowd:
A monster in the corner of your eye.
An insult made of flesh and bone -- obscene!
Worse than any word or gesture, this:
Audacity in daring to exist:
Denying everything you've learned to know.
And you are Good. You've learned what elders taught.
About what makes a Man, and makes a Beast,
And how to tell an Adult from a Child,
And how to keep your own place in the world.
The monster in the crowd has moved away.
The shadow that it cast remains behind;
It's lodged there, in the corner of your thoughts --
A seed that's far too dangerous to sprout.
But you are Good. You take this as a test,
Enclose what's Wrong in pity, and move on.
THE MONSTER CHALLENGES YOUR CATEGORIES
The day is warm, the playful breeze is light;
The sun (just like a lover at the gate)
Has called the flowers out -- and you, as well --
So even mundane tasks are pleasant things.
And then, you see the shadow in the crowd:
A monster in the corner of your eye.
An insult made of flesh and bone -- obscene!
Worse than any word or gesture, this:
Audacity in daring to exist:
Denying everything you've learned to know.
And you are Good. You've learned what elders taught.
About what makes a Man, and makes a Beast,
And how to tell an Adult from a Child,
And how to keep your own place in the world.
The monster in the crowd has moved away.
The shadow that it cast remains behind;
It's lodged there, in the corner of your thoughts --
A seed that's far too dangerous to sprout.
But you are Good. You take this as a test,
Enclose what's Wrong in pity, and move on.
no subject
Date: 2012-04-05 11:20 pm (UTC)I especially like the wording of:
"An insult made of flesh and bone"
And I'm so glad you included Adult/Child.
And the conclusion is a real kicker, just as you intended.
\o/
(Is it my turn?)
no subject
Date: 2012-04-06 12:07 am (UTC)It was that half paragraph I quoted yesterday that gave me the key to the puzzle: that the knight is allowed to be shaken by his confrontation with the monster, but when the meeting's over, he leaves just as certain about the universe (and his security at the Top/Center of it) as before the story started. And the only way I could portray that was if I switched the P.O.V. (dumping the rhyme scheme also made it a lot easier).
(Is it my turn?)
Let 'er rip, BB!
no subject
Date: 2012-04-06 12:49 am (UTC)http://spiralsheep.dreamwidth.org/386305.html
dumping the rhyme scheme also made it a lot easier
"The sound must seem an echo to the sense" - Alexander Pope
no subject
Date: 2012-04-06 01:18 am (UTC)Clever boy, that Alex!
/insouciance.
no subject
Date: 2012-04-06 09:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-06 02:11 pm (UTC)